Production Year: July 1992 - May 1999
The lives and loves of a group of young adults living in "Melrose Place" in California. Each with their own dreams and drives, the inevitable conflicts, conquests, and consummations ensue.
See Also: Heather Locklear, Daphne Zuniga, Alyssa Milano
So it's Sunday evening and I'm on a crowded flight home from New York City with some inconsiderate hag fully reclined in her seat forcing my laptop into my gut, I'm tired, hung over, cranky, dehydrated, my traveling partner is begging for name recognition (not going to happen) and all I can think about is how I have to get the Update written before tomorrow night so as not to incur the wrath of the masses. Now I know I missed last week's Update but I have a great reason, the show wasn't on in the Bay Area. It was preempted for the Giants game. Oh sure, it was rebroadcast Saturday night at 6 p.m., but if you guys think that I was going to stay home and watch it, you sadly overestimate my commitment and devotion. I actually felt good about not writing the Update, it was empowering. But sadly, my conscience has gotten the better of me and I find myself about to embark on the painful journey of trying to recall exactly what idiocy I subjected myself to last Monday. Well, here goes nothing. Lips- OK, time for her to call it a day and make a graceful exit from the show before she totally destroys whatever hopes she might have for bit parts after MP ends. This gal has gone from worse to shockingly appalling in her inability to act or even be a moderately credible character. I am quite certain that there is nobody alive in the world today that can't watch Lips act and feel better about their station in life. Basically, in order to continue with her deception of Kyle, she needs to get pregnant. As fate would have it, there is only one sperm bank in Los Angeles (suuure) and it's closed for repairs. This means that Lips has to get pregnant the old fashioned way, through an affair. Long story short Lips goes out of her way to make sure Michael is aware of the fact that she is ovulating and is on him like the white on rice. Her methodical and calculating pursuit of semen and treatment of Michael as a mere object is upsetting to sensitive men like myself all over the world. Michael, being the compassionate individual he is subjects himself to Lips machinations and tries valiantly to knock one home for her.
Michael/Megan- So Michael and Megan are in couples therapy to mend their failing marriage. It would appear that all is going well except for the fact that Michael is continuing with his adulterous ways. I mean sure, it's not his fault and he's just trying to do the right thing, but technically he is an adulterer. Also, I think Megan must have taken some stupid pills. The Boy/Jennifer- Well, look whose made friends with each other. After their brief tryst and subsequent spat, these two have reconciled. The Boy is trying really hard to rebuff Amanda's attempted takeover of his firm and Jennifer is giving him all the love and support he needs. Jennifer expresses some deep thoughts as to why she's become the woman she is, but nobody really cares. Look for Craig to get over Syd's death well ahead of shedule.
Amanda/Kyle/NY Ad Exec- So Amanda is hell bent on screwing the boy out of the business and lines up all kinds of financial backing to take his business over. When the boy shows some spunk and fights back, Amanda crushes him anyway, but gains some respect for him. When it's all over but the crying, Amanda offers the boy a nice job and a corner office in her new firm, but the boy tells her to shove it. Who can blame him? The real story is that Amanda's old boss from New York has decided to move out to LA and help Amanda with the business. This is startling news to Amanda and almost makes Kyle cry. You see, even though Kyle and Amanda have professed their love for each other, methinks that perhaps Kyle doesn't truly trust his beloved. He is threatened by other men in her life and feels inadequate because his jazz club is a money pit and Amanda is clearly more successful and ambitious than he is. As vacuous and superficial as their relationship is, I still give it two to three more episodes before it ends. Sadly for Amanda, she had Peter on the hook for a brief time but saw fit to throw the small fry back. Let me ask you this, if Peter has so much money and he's offering cash to help Amanda start the new agency, why is he still driving a Jetta?
Billy/Sam- Sam just keeps getting dumber every day. Her life is just a series of bad judgment calls and Billy is a dumbass for putting up with her. Sam tips the boy off that Billy and Amanda are going to put him out of business so the boy is able to prepare himself and fight back. Now normally this would be a good thing, but I wonder if Sam thought that the juicy bit of info that she passed along to the boy would upset Billy? No, I'm quite certain that she didn't. The good news here is not only is Sam a total moron, but I suspect that she has bi-polar personality disorder and is excessive repulsive (obsessive compulsive for those of you not hip to my pandering to the mental health community). Luckily for Billy, she clears out her closet, writes him a goodbye note and hits the road. If Billy were smart (Hey, I can dream can't I?) he'd pretend not to see the note, act like he doesn't notice her closet is empty and continue on with his life. Good riddance... Peter/Coop/Coop's ex- Sydney who? Coop's red headed ex wife is a total babe. The story here is that Coop is divorcing her and she is somewhat upset about it. We don't know too many details (or maybe we do and I just can't remember them) but it is not an amicable divorce. Coop is supposed to go to a medical conference out of town but when he finds out that Red is going to be there, he asks Peter to go in his stead. Needless to say Peter and Red meet and have a moment. In a cliche'd bar scene, the star crossed lovers meet in a bar and then go back to her room for a little out of town extra curricular activity. Ever the gentleman, Peter starts to introduce himself only to be quieted by her request for anonymity. As they start to get down, she backs off saying that she's not that kind of girl. Peter, obviously disappointed, starts to rag on her. I guess that's one approach to getting back in there. Sadly, it doesn't work and the tryst is over. Of course, the next day at the office Red is there making a scene and heckling Coop for half. Peter walks in mid tyrade and her jaw drops. Whoops. OK, I'm not sure what the plan is here, but let's go over what we know: Coop is on the show to crush Michael for what he did to Kimberly. Michael has enlisted Coop's help to crush Peter. It's just a matter of time before Peter beds Coop's ex wife. I would say that we have a developing situation.
So my friends, that was the show. Normally I would make a perfunctory apology for getting the Update out so late, but I think it is abundantly clear to all of you that I don't give a rat's ass anymore. At least last week's show was better than the previous week's show and in my business we call that an upward trend. Reinvigorated by the newest addition to the cast and my heartfelt desire to see the show continue its metamorphosis from lowly worm into butterfly, I think I'll watch it again on Monday. Let's just say that it's week to week for me. And many thanks for all the notes urging me to watch the show following MP, Ally McBeal, I appreciate your efforts to get me to waste even more time in front of the idiot box, but it's not going to happen. TV is crap, you all need to get a life.
John Haymes Newton
Vanessa Williams (II)